dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize