Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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