We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
