i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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