Jerry, you need to find god
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
