You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
