just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
