is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
