Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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