I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
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