My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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