this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize