The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
