What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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