covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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