Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
