he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
My vagina just recognized that song.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
