Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
