I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
