Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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