I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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