Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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