this beer tastes like vomit already
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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