now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize