I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
