My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
