I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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