I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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