Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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