I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
