how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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