does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
