I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize