Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
