Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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