what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Acid is not a monday night drug
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
