i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
