oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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