i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
