PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
My Higher Power is John Stamos
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
