I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
