May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
