If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
