Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I didn't notice because vodka
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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