My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
