My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize
