My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
