Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
