sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
