I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
