Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
