My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
