Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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