Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize