i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
