either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
