my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
im holly from the hills drunk
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
