this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
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