my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize