forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
