i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
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