And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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