It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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